POEMS ABOUT HORSES
Whispers of Equus Evolutionary Periods!
For Sandy's Broken Rail Farm of D'Wild West
by The Faerie Keeper

Once upon a time, long ago,
land was not separated by sea,
55 million years later you are free.

In the beginning you roamed North American grasslands,
slowly extending across the Bering sea,
on cave walls, your many "breeds" we see.

Stone carvings depict your small size,
an inbred sure-footedness on hill slope,
when you exceeded the riders nerve and hope.

Egyptian hieroglyphics proclaim your value,
in the Old Testament reference strength and might,
of your nobility Xinophon proclaimed and did write.

Eohippus transformed into your decendents,
Equus, descentants of Parahippus, became your name,
the hearts of both young and old do you claim.

In about 1500 A.D., Spanish came to conquer the New World,
their small, sturdy mounts spread quickly, and to roam,
at last you came back to America, your first home.

Murphy's Horse Laws

1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need  the vet at least once a month.
5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed;  horses you hate cannot  be sold and will outlive you.
7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished.   Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did.  If  you're wondering if you  latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes,"  you will get dirty.
11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
12. If a horse is advertised "under $5,000," you can bet he isn't $2,500.
13. The number of horses you own increases according to the number  of stalls in your barn.
14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
16. Hoof picks migrate.
17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.
18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
20. If you're winning, quit.
A Horse's View of the World 

Arena:  Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.

Bit:  Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth. 

Bucking:  Counterirritant 

CrossTies:  Gymnastic apparatus. 

Dressage:  Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit. 

Fence:  Barrier that protects good grazing. 

Grain:  Sole virtue of domestication. 

Hitching rail:  Means by which to test one's strength. 

Horse trailer:  Mobile cave/bear den. 

Hotwalker:  The lesser of two evils. 

Jump:  An opportunity for self-expression. 

Latch:  Type of puzzle. 

Lunging:  Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay. 

Owner:  Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding. 

Rider:  Owner overstepping its bounds. 

Farrier:  Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply. 

Trainer:  Owner with mob connections. 

Veterinarian:  Flightless albino vulture
Let Me Teach You -A touching Equine Poem
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.

When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.

When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.

When you are quick to react,  let me teach you to be thoughtful.

When you are angry,  let me teach you to be serene.

When you feel superior,  let me teach you to be respectful.

When you are self absorbed,  let me teach you to think of greater things.

When you are arrogant,  et me teach you humility.

When you are lonely,  let me be your companion.

When you are tired,  let me carry the load.

When you need to learn,  let me teach you.

After all, I am your horse.

And now, the REAL story........

When you are tense,  let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, 
and we need to leave NOW.

When you are short tempered,  let me teach you how to slog around
the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.

When you are short sighted, l et me teach you to figure out where,
exactly, in 40 acres I am hiding.

When you are quick to react  let me teach you that herbivore's kick
MUCH faster than omnivores.

When you are angry,  let me teach you how well I can  stand on my hind feet,
because I don't FEEL  like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.

When you are worried,  let me entertain you with my mystery lameness,
GI complaint, and skin disease.

When you feel superior,  let me teach you that, mostly,  you are the maid service.

When you are self-absorbed  let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION.
I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.

When you are arrogant,  let me teach you what 800 lbs of  YAHOO-
let's-go distance horse  can do when suitably inspired.

When you are lonely,  let me be your companion.
Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.

When you are tired,  don't forget the 1000 lbs of  hay that needs to be unloaded.

When you are feeling financially secure,  let me teach you the meaning of
"Veterinary Services, additional".

When you need to learn,  hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
Horse List of New Year's Resolutions

1.   I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can

2.   I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.

3.   I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.

4.   My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go       back inside to pee.

5.   I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.

6.   I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.

7.   I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.

8.   I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.

9.   I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.

10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it's there.

11. I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.

12. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's whiteshirt.

13. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.

14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within 1 mile radius.

15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs  straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you  asleep?"

16. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.

17. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human  is mucking my stall.

18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.

19. I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!

20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.

21. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn  or the new fences.

22. I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battlesteed. I will not act like one.

23. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like  a freak.

24. I accept that not every carrot is for me.

25. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful  Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.

26. I will NOT jump in the air, turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.

27. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.

28. I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.

29. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".

30. I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
Is it just me, or are there other husbands out there in horsey land that have become Horse Widowers every Saturday, and at a minimum of once a weekday?

Seems if there are others we need to get together! 
Some call it a 6-pack, I call it a SUPPORT GROUP.
 
So If your wife mysteriously disappears, taking your truck in the early morning hours, says goodbye to you by declaring "Honey have you seen the Coggins certs? " 

You might be a horse widower.

And if you have watched the dust from the new16 ft. stock trailer that just materialized one day in your yard (that was going to be your new rifle - so much for that tax refund) going down the dirt road as you check your mail, only to find the bank statement with your endorsed checks includes a THANK YOU CARD from the local FEED STORE. You might be a horse widower.

If you wake up hearing your wife speaking in tongues, (the frog is sore, hackamore is better than snaffle, I hear the BLM is opening a sponsoring a clinic, I just had her teeth floated) .

You might be a horse widower.
 
If when you go to Town and the local Vet just looks at you from the window of his 2000 B.M.W and just says thanks buddy!

You might be a horse widower.-

Scott Turner
"Magic Horse"

The magic between man and his horse!

A kinship of kind is the magical source.

Free as the wind, to the horse we befriend.

An alliance of will and dependence on each.

This magic to day is not out of reach.

The horse, you see has this to teach.

( Arthur unknown)

Sung to the tune of Janis Joplin's "Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz"

 
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horsy that bends
My friends all ride warmbloods
I must make amends.
I practice my leg yields
Each evening 'til ten

Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horsy that bends.
 
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't buck
I'm tired of trying
To land standing up
I spend all my time
Brushing dirt off my butt

  Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't buck

Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't bite
I count all my fingers
And toes every night
I feel like a carrot
When I'm in his sight

So oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that won't bite.
 
Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that stays clean
I brush him, I groom him,
I've considered chlorine
His color's too chestnut
For a horse with gray genes

Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse that stays clean.

Oh Lord, won't you buy me
A horse with some guts
This spooking and shying
is driving me nuts
And while You are at it
Make me less of a klutz

Oh Lord, won't you buy me
a horse with some guts

Oh Lord, won't you give him
some hindquarter drive
This horse is sooo lazy
not sure he's alive
We bend and we circle
'till way, way past five

Oh Lord, won't you give him
some hindquarter drive

Author Unknown
BROKEN RAIL FARM
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